Rant: So Called Attractive Women That Are Dogs: Paris Hilton

What a stupid asshole with such a vapid face.

I quote the famous poet, concerning her face:

"Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

Rant: So Called Attractive Women That Are Dogs: Sara Jesssica Parker

Westminster Dog Show Shocker: Sara Jessica Parker Wins Best in Show!!

NEW YORK -- In a stunning upset that sent shockwaves throughout the idyllic sphere of pooch aficionados worldwide, Sara Jessica Parker was awarded the "Best in Show" blue ribbon at today's Westminster Dog Show finals.

Her handler, one M. Broderick, gushed "I'm so proud I could burst! She performed like a champ!" The show's judge proclaimed "Ms. Parker is one fine bitch, in fact she's the best bitch I've seen in my three decades of bitch judging."

Ms. Parker, a statuesque Afghan Hound and star of the breathlessly anticipated "Sex and the City" movie, seemed to take it all in stride. Although tension ran high when she barely edged out a beagle named Señor Woofypants in yesterday's hound group competition, Mr. Broderick boasted that his prize bitch never once showed signs of anxiety.

"I was nervous when the judge lifted her hind legs to scrutinize her shame hole" said Mr. Broderick, "because sometimes when I do that she either farts, bites my hand, or curls up on the floor and licks her vagina."

So what's next for Ms. Parker? A little bird tells us that she intends to return to her Broadway roots, in a revival of "Annie," the show that made her famous. This time, however, instead of playing the adorable pupil-deprived orphan, Ms. Parker will bring her new-found canine cred to the role of Sandy. Arf-Arf!!

We left Mr. Broderick and his bitch basking in the glow of adoration. As he patted her head, Parker responded with a triumphant "woof!" before burying her nose in Broderick's crotch (a brief scuffle ensued when an ornery Bull Terrier named Bam-Bam attempted to mount the proud bitch from behind).